Mike Laoshi

Only in China could the following story have taken place.

Yep, I'm a part time English teacher. At a bar. An "English Study Singles Bar," run by a guy named Peng who graduated from Johns Hopkins two years ago, bought an unsuccessful club, and turned it into a popular place for all ages to learn English and Mandarin, and then go on dates and get drunk. From a business point of view, this is absolutely brilliant for a variety of reasons.

I found the place because Tram came to me yesterday and said "Mike, I'm going to go get a job teaching English. Want to come?" and I wasn't doing anything else at the time.

We got there, and Peng came out, greeted us warmly, and offered us free drinks. Indeed, this is a wondrous place. Our friend Jordan arrived to teach a group of children, and as this was her first time with children, she begged one of us to teach with her. Tram had to go, so that made me a working teacher within 10 minutes of my interview.

The kids all had cute American names like Jenny, Carol, Lory, Cathy, and, I kid you not, Tom and Jerry (best friends who DID name themselves after the cartoon). They were surprisingly advanced in their English, though they did drive me to madness a few times hitting each other and not paying attention. The problem with teaching children whose native language you do not speak is that when they yell loudly at each other, it is impossible to tell whether they are saying "the teacher is dumb" or "please be quiet and listen to the teacher, I'm enjoying his lesson very much." I've found that calling them by name when they're acting up works very well, but only for about ten seconds at a time. My teaching style can best be summed up by:

Me- "Salad. Sa. Lad."

Them- "Sellud"

Me- "ae. Ae. Like cat. Salad."

Jerry- "meow! CAT CAT CAT!"

Tom- "Teacher teacher Jerry hit me!"

Me- "Tom, Jerry. Listen." (while I'm saying this, Cathy and Lory start playing with a tamogachi or something like that.)

Me- "Salad."

Everyone except Cathy and Lory- "Salad."

Me- "Cathy, Lory. Salad."

Cathy and Lory- "Salad." (Jenny puts her head down)

Me- "Are you tired?"

Jenny- "Yes."

Tom- "Jerry hit me!"

Me- "Tom, Jerry. Stop."

Tom- "Teacher can we play a game?!"

Me- "You need to learn at least five words."

Tom- "Cathy is very big."

Me- "Why... why would you even say that?"

I could go on... for about two hours, but I feel as though that's enough for now. I get to teach adults tonight, and needless to say, I'm thrilled. We get paid 100RMB per hour, so if I teach three or four hours a week that will pretty much cover all of my expenses. Yay!

Here's a random picture inside the bar. At the time, these students were doing skits. I didn't understand them, but everyone else thought they were hysterical.

In other news, we have plane tickets to Harbin and all is go for the ice festival. I've been getting some great e-mails from several of you containing lots of different pictures of Harbin- thanks so much! The more I see of it, the more I want to go. There's even a Great Wall Ice Luge!