Great Wall (or: "You buy! You buy! Two one dollar! I not try to cheat you!")

One thing that people generally don't mention about the Great Wall is that, in most places, you have to hike up a mountain for about an hour just to get a glimpse of actual wall. Also, people will try to sell you things for most of the hike. But it is at a great discount. Because you are good friend. And they sell for big loss.

I bought two t-shirts for 25 kuai (3 bucks) after working them down from 300 kuai. I didn't really want them, but once you've haggled with someone for ten minutes you sort of feel obligated to buy something.

We forgot it was Spring...

First View of the Wall

It's a big wall.

Alice, Jesse, Vince, Will, Nell, Hillary, Me

We had a snowball fight on top of one of the guard towers.

After two hours, it was time to go. We were all very sad.

On Sunday Will, Hillary and I went to the Winter Palace, which was really just like a gigantic garden with lots of lakes. They would have been lakes, at least, if there had been water involved. Big muddy holes is more like it. It was a beautiful day, though, and a very nice place to visit overall.

Something we don't see much in Beijing

Hiding behind a tree in the bamboo forest... can you see me?

In other news, I'm going to be on CCTV on Thursday as part of a three person panel discussing the United States elections. As I was walking up the mountain to the Great Wall, Dr. Sun came up beside me and started asking me all of these questions about politics. Afterwards, he asked me to be on the panel. Which is funny, because I don't actually know that much about the individual candidates, so I guess I have to start studying.

That's all for now. We only have one more action to learn in our 24-action Tai Chi class, so I know that the semester is winding down. Just a few more weeks of "young maid passing the shuttle through the loom" and "finding the needle in the sea" and "grabbing the sparrow's tail" for me. I'm about ready to be back, though. I miss fake Chinese food. That's very sad, isn't it?

All the Tea in China

I found it. I found where they keep it. It's all in on a small street known, in English, as "the tea market." Go figure. Ben, Hillary, Nell and I took a nine hour tour over to the Tea Market today just for fun. We're getting much better at the subway- only took us an hour and a half to get there.

Once we arrived at the street, we were greeted with the familiar opening of doors in every direction and the ubiquitous "hallo!" of the shopkeepers. Upon browsing through one of the chock-full-of-tea stores, I had a realization- I know absolutely nothing about tea. I felt very silly to even be in a place called the Tea Market. As we walked around, salespeople would shove plates full of dried up leaves at me. I wasn't really sure if I was supposed to smell it or touch it or just look at it intently, so most often I just tried to ignore them, which is HARD to do in a place where determined sellers will actually come up to you and physically pull you towards their wares. It's more annoying than invasive- as I've said before, I'm pretty sure I could take a small Asian lady if she got violent.

After finishing up the smaller shops, we set our sights a little higher- the Beijing International Tea Market Building. A giant mall filled only with tea shops. We spent a good deal of time discussing how such an arrangement could work out for the individual shops economically. Anyway, we were harassed by the standard "Jin lai kan yi xia!" (Come in and look right-quick) and we dutifully (like the easy targets that we are) went in and looked right-quick. Finally, on the top floor, we passed a shop and were NOT yelled at or attacked in any way. At first we thought that someone forgot to man his or her battle stations, but then we saw a friendly looking lady just sitting at her table and sipping some tea. When she saw that we were looking at her, she said, in English, "Would you like to try some tea?" And then we had a two hour tea-party as we tried every kind of tea in her store, learned about its origins and proper preparations, and bought most all of the aforementioned tea. A little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thing.

Afterwards, we went to "snack street" where I had all the hunger scared out of me by piles and piles of scorpions-on-a-stick. The shopkeepers would wave them in my face, and the scorpions would wave too because they were still very much alive. I am not very squeamish, but I am sane, so I went and got a happy meal.

I haven't put any pictures up lately because my camera ran out of batteries and I have to borrow a charger to make it work again, but it should be clicking away this weekend when we go to the Great Wall. Last weekend was pretty decent, but nothing particularly noteworthy other than going to the Summer Palace, which would have been fun to talk about if I had pictures. We're going back, and I'll take pictures then.

I hope everyone had a happy Easter!

I got bored and shaved.

As a joke, I left a little bit in the middle, which I have since shaved off. This picture really doesn't do it justice, though.

It was worth not shaving for over a month just for the double-takes I'm getting now.

And now for the... ummm... last weekend's update.

FRIDAY:

We went to a bar district that was located around a lake. I took a picture, but it was far too blurry. What is of note about this trip is that I did not actually make it into any bar, since there were two very drunk Americans who decided to join our group and get us a good rate on drinks at a bar. At each establishment, one would walk up to the person working the door and start speaking in very fluent Chinese. He would then turn around and list a very reasonable price for a beer that he had managed to achieve. The other American, misinterpreting this as an entrance fee rather than the price of a beer, would invariably approach the doorman and proceed to scream at him in English and Chinese about the proper way to treat people and how, if we were Chinese, there wouldn't be an entrance price. In every single case, there was, in fact, not. However, he apparently forgot this in the twenty steps that we had to take, in our embarrassment, between bars.

Dear US Government,

If you REALLY want to curb binge drinking, please find this American and videotape him on a random night out. It will be hilarious AND highly discouraging for anyone thinking of drinking to an equally stupid point.

SATURDAY:

Saturday looked like a warm day, so I didn't bring my coat, which means I didn't bring my camera. Other people have pictures of this day, but I don't have those pictures yet. When I do, I will post them. At least I say I will. Most likely, though, I will forget which day they belonged to and just lump them in with all of my China pictures and then, in twenty years while looking through my backup files, I will exclaim "there! there I am at the Temple of Heaven!"

So anyway, we went to the "Temple of Heaven" which is really an incorrect translation, since it's more like the "Altar of the Skies." It is an enormous structure in the middle of a concrete square that I can't really describe. Google it! It's really cool.

The coolest part, though, was the sprawling complex of gardens to the side of the Temple of Heaven. I have not seen so many trees and animals since I arrived in Beijing, and they were a welcome sight. Down one path, there was a small gazebo with an old toothless Chinese man playing the accordion. He could play the keyboard very well, but only knew one chord, it seemed, to play on the drones. There were a few older people around him singing a song along with the melody. One possible reason that karaoke is a much bigger success in Asia than in America is because Asians (Chinese people, at least) have no problem with singing as loud as they can in whatever pitch they find handy at the time. It was a lot of fun. As we were leaving, the Chinese man started to play an American folk song that we recognized but didn't know the words to. If we had, it could have been a great cross-cultural moment. Oh well.

Saturday night we went to see some acrobats. The show was amazing, and I can't really describe my mixture of fear and joy as I watched men jump and flip through hoops that were easily nine feet off the ground like it was the easiest thing in the world. There was no trampoline involved.

Also of note was a woman riding a unicycle on top of a large rolling ball while flipping bowls and spoons onto her head. What I hear is that there are certain cities in China where all they do is train for this stuff. I believe it.

After we left the theater and started walking back in the bitterly cold Beijing night, it struck me that there was another reason I was dumb for leaving my coat in the room.

SUNDAY:

On Sunday Will, Hillary, Alice, Nell, and I went by subway back to the Forbidden City area. It took us an hour and a half to get there, but we made it.

Our destination: that hill, which is entirely man-made.

The park surrounding the hill was very peaceful and quiet, and on top of the hill was a very large Buddha and a great view of the Forbidden City. At the back of the hill, we found a great mass of older Chinese people dancing, singing, playing hackey-sack, and otherwise having a good time. I got some videos that I WOULD post on youtube.....

This guy is doing street calligraphy with water. We saw a few people doing this.

We stayed for a while and then headed back.

View of Wudaoku from the Subway- in case anyone was wondering what
Wudaoku was, since I reference it a lot.

Overall it was a very peaceful and green weekend- a much needed respite from the normal Beijing feel.

Before I close, Bobby had a question about my views on the Beijing Olympics.

The Beijing Olympics:

There are a lot of people talking about how we should boycott the Beijing Olympics in response to human rights abuses, Darfur, Tibet, and whatever else. I read somewhere that, according to the article's writer, Bush attending these Olympics (as Bush has promised) would be akin to FDR attending the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

Here's the problem with all of that. We assume that boycotting the Olympics would be like taking a stand and telling them that world opinion is not on their side about the above issues. However, I don't believe that the message would actually sink in, and in fact I feel as though much more progress would be made on those things if the Chinese Olympics were strongly supported.

When Spielberg dropped out of the planning committee (he was helping design the opening show, and backed out because of objections over Darfur), the Chinese press had a week long "what an idiot" chant going along every media outlet. And the Chinese people, according to what I can see, completely and wholeheartedly agree. I have not heard solidarity like that since there was a bill about pasteurizing cheese when I was in France. They ALL thought Steven Spielberg was being childish, unfair, and ignorant. Now, I'm not going to go in to whether or not I believe they are right, because I don't think that matters in the least for this question.

What matters most, in my mind, is what the average Chinese person believes and what they WILL believe given a certain set of actions. The average Chinese person that I have met is extremely friendly, very likable, and super-excited about the Olympics. It has nothing to do with politics for them- it is a symbol that they as a people (not the government) have been able to prosper to a point where they can hold such a prestigious event. If you try to take that away from the, regardless of the reason, there will be more weeks of "what idiots they are" and the country will become even more sure of its own decisions (if the dishonorable idiots who pulled out of the Olympics are saying something is wrong, then obviously that thing must be right).

Again, this has nothing to do with right and wrong or what I would or wouldn't like to happen, but it's the most logical eventuality if Olympic boycotts are realized. Personally, I see the Olympics as a great thing for China, and I feel as though it will give the Chinese people more exposure to internationals (and more opportunities to make friends), which is a very good thing for both them and us. Also, I've never seen people so excited about the Olympics. They wouldn't "learn a lesson" from an Olympic failure- they'd just be really sad.

Besides, in my view, change comes from economic motives. If you strongly disagree with the government of China, and you disagree with human rights violations and unfair working conditions, etc, etc... then don't purchase Chinese manufactured goods. That makes a lot more sense to me.




Quote of the week, from Business Strategies, as always (from a competing team upset that everyone was voting for our market differentiation campaign):

"You can't just use George Clooney as a perpetual trump card!"

Why I Don't Shop in China

I wish I had gotten a picture of this. Will, Maria, Elliot, and I were walking around the Wudaoku area, and I made the mistake of glancing to my left as we passed a large electronics store with plate glass windows. Inside the store I saw approximately zero customers and around thirty salespeople. And every single one was staring at me and, I imagine, smiling hungrily. I'm not sure what sort of message they're going for, but sometimes having a larger sales force MIGHT not be the answer.

I'm working on a weekend update (we saw acrobats, the Temple of Heaven, and even returned to the area around the Forbidden City) but I wanted to throw out a quick note about the current situation first. I'm not sure if this is in the American news, but a certain part of China (it rhymes with Ribet) is undergoing riots and crackdowns at a level unheard of in over 20 years. Cars, shops, and tour buses have apparently been burned in the capital. Depending on your sources, there are either ten dead shopkeepers burned to death by the rioters (official accounts) or eighty dead rioters shot by the crackdown (...actual reality accounts). I came by this information in bits and pieces, since most every source that I access is subsequently banned and shut down by the country. Youtube is gone for who knows how long because there is riot footage, apparently. I'm sort of pissed about not being allowed to use youtube, so I encourage all of you to seek out this riot footage and watch it as many times as possible just to piss of the folks who would rather no one be aware of this situation. It would be a ridiculous understatement to say that mass censorship of this degree makes me seethingly angry, and is certainly not convincing me of the correctness of China's (to quote Eddie Izzard) "Do you have a flag? No flag no country. According to the rules that I... made up... just now." arguments. (I apologize if the previous quotation is incorrect. I would double-check it on youtube, but...)

Long story short, I don't think that I'll be going to that place, as was the original plan. Dr. Sun hasn't told us about our contingency-plan trip yet, but I'll report on that as soon as I know.

In other, less serious news, I'd like to present the following dialogue between me and the personification of my shower this morning.

Me: Good morning, shower.

Shower: A fine morning indeed.

Me: How about a moderately temperate shower on this fine morning?

Shower: Hop on in!

Me: Shower, why are you scalding hot?

Shower: I'm sorry, why don't you turn down the dial?

Me: The dial is down to the very bottom. You are still searing my flesh. Wait a second, now you are spurting ice cubes.

Shower: Sorry about that, why don't you just turn me back up.

Me: Well I am, and I'm still near hypothermi--

Shower: BURN, capitalist pig!


... or something like that, at least.

Business Strategies is Still a Joke

But George Clooney is awesome. That's why, when handed yet another entirely vague set of directives to make up an entire marketing plan for an Italian furniture company within twenty minutes, I decided that he should be the cornerstone of our campaign. After the presentation, which also included lots of made-up numbers and impossible-to-really-know assertions, our teacher said "I like your idea for the celebrity spokesperson, but it brings up a question. What is the criteria for selecting the best celebrity spokesperson for your company?"

I made a decision-tree and gave it to her. It looked like this.


She laughed. Sometimes I feel like she knows that there's no real way to fill a two-hour class with relevant content based on the phrase "trouble the water to catch the fish."

Weekly Update

Is this weekly now? I feel like I've cheated my original plan, but I feel as though the posts I do now are more content-rich. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can sleep at night.

Before I get into the actual weekly update, do you know what I found in China that really boosts my ego? Engaging in any sort of strength competition with small Asian girls. It's not fair, but fairness has very little to do with self-esteem.


FRIDAY

On Friday evening we took our first Chinese class field trip. We had been bugging Li Laoshi for a while to take us somewhere, and we settled on the Beijing Opera, at a place near Tienanmen Square called the Laoshi Tea House. To get there, we had to take the subway, which was...

You know, a little crowded.

But that's OK because, though the crowds at the subway stations are huge, the discipline and order of every passenger is impeccable. It was eerie how quiet a mass of thousands of people could be while shuffling along in an orderly manner.

Once we were in the subway, we all became very close friends. I would show you how close, but my friends were enjoying my company so much that they got close enough so as to restrict all arm movement, so I couldn't get my camera out. As Lauren said, if we had been forced to take the subway before we all knew each other, it might have been awkward.

We made small talk amongst ourselves on the way there, and at some point Steve said something about Communists. Lauren and Maria launched into a chorus about how he wasn't allowed to do that here. Steve retaliated with a very loud diatribe about how no one could understand what he was saying so he could say whatever he wanted about Communists. The train stopped.

"Which door do we get out of?" said Steve.

"The one over there" said a helpful Chinese man behind him, pointing at the opposing door. Oh irony, what fun you are.

We made it to the performance with about ten minutes to spare, and they brought us several light snacks- pumpkin seeds, spring rolls, random balls of things that could either be covered in sugar or flour... the normal stuff. None of us had eaten, so we devoured the snacks available and then asked about getting more. After finding that each spring roll was only 1 kuai (.13 cents) we promptly ordered 35.

Now, the actual Beijing Opera turned out to be much better than I was expecting. I had prepared myself for two hours of solid glass-shattering screeches and overwrought gestures, but as it turns out, my preconceived notions were entirely wrong. Except for the costumes. I was right about those...

We were in the back. I'm so glad my camera has 30X zoom

There was a mixture of singing, music playing, dancing, martial arts, tumbling, sound-effects making, and even stand-up comedy. After the comedians came out, I asked Li Laoshi to translate some of the things that she was laughing at. One of the jokes was basically this:

1- "So there's a farmer, and he has three animals. A is pig. B is horse. C is dog."
2- "C is dog, B is horse. Pig is what?"
1- "A"
2- "What is A?"
1- "Pig."

And oh how the people did laugh. I feel, like I usually do, as though something was lost in the translation. In general, though, I am very proud that the Chinese people have now raised their humor to near-Abbot and Costello levels.

After the show, of which I have several short videos that I'll try to edit into something watchable, we took a group picture.

Left to right: Heather, Me, Maria, Steve, Li Laoshi, Lauren, Jennifer, Anna
(classmates not present: CJ and Alisha)

Many more pictures with various combinations of people were taken, and pretty soon Maria started jumping in shots to try and screw them up. I tried to stop her one time. I tell you this to explain the following picture, which I enjoy quite a bit.

It was as if an occult hand had reached out and saved the picture.

After returning to the Wudaoku subway, we all went to Pyro (even Li Laoshi!) for a post-opera drink.


SATURDAY

I signed up for a trip to go to the 798 art district. It consists of an enormous complex of former factories (textile mills, mostly) that were taken over by rogue artists in the late 80's and built into the center for the Chinese modern art movement. Once you're there, you're allowed to walk around and go into pretty much any building to see free, museum-quality modern art exhibits and put your finger on the pulse of the current trends. If you like art, you would love this place.

I wasn't able to get any pictures of the really cool stuff, because every building had a "no pictures" policy, but there was some pointillism, impressionism, abstract, sculpture, video (one about a man and his horse... and by horse I mean bike that he constructed a horse's head around), etc... If any of my friends got some sneaky shots, I'll post them in the next blog.

There was ONE place we were allowed to take pictures, and that was in an exhibit featuring the too-often-ignored medium of enormous mirrors. The highlight was a giant cube in the middle, the inside of which was all glass.

Amy, Maria and I inside modern art

Saturday night we tried to watch V for Vendetta, but that turned out to be an epic fail as, after getting halfway through the movie, the computer we were watching on overheated. Instead, we (Jessie, Ben, Me, Will, Hillary) ended up sitting around and talking about bad roommate experiences we had in the past. Jessie and Ben currently live with a really nice guy who, at the same time, KNOWS he is a bad roommate and seems to revel in it. A prolonged and well-acted story involving his morning routine of waking up at 5AM and banging on every object in the room while simultaneously talking loudly to himself won out as being the most hilarious of the night.

SUNDAY

On Sunday afternoon I finally got to meet Daisy, my grandmother's friend and tour guide from almost twenty years ago. We met at the Wudaoku subway station and went to a local cafe for some tea and cake. She brought a friend with her who isn't quite a monk but still locks herself in Tibetan monestaries for months at a time. And also, she knows Gong-fu, the actually dangerous version of Tai Chi. She didn't speak very much English, but Daisy translated and every now and then I was able to throw out some Chinese vocabulary. Daisy invited me to Peking Roast Duck on Thursday night, and that's what Beijing is famous for, so it sounds good to me.

That evening, Will and I walked into the English Bar expecting to continue teaching Casablanca. Instead, we found that the TV had been moved and we had to make up a lesson on the spot. We talked about American politics for an hour and a half. Oh, and films and TV shows. They LOVE "Prison Break" here. In fact, every time I introduce myself to a room of Chinese people, they all chuckle and someone will yell "Michael Scofield!" like I know who that is. They enjoyed our lecture, though, and decided at the end that, if Forrest Gump were a real person, they'd want him to be President. I just imagined him sitting in a room full of high ranking officials saying "My momma always said..." and it made me laugh.


MONDAY

Tai Chi, Chinese, and laundry.



Movie review of the week: The Legend of 1900

One of our Chinese friends suggested this movie to Will and lent him her copy. It was made a while ago by an Italian director (who also wrote the script) and follows the life of a boy abandoned on a transatlantic steamer in the year 1900. I understood exactly why our Chinese friend (for whom English and American movies are both relatively new) liked it- there was a simple fable being told and lots of interesting music being played. The visuals are excellent, and the idea isn't bad, but still this has to be the most terrible good movie I've ever seen. I call it a "good" movie, not because it was, but because the all of the plot, action, scenery, and especially the dialogue- are all direct rip-offs of other, actually good movies. The director/writer, while perhaps having a good grasp on the English language right now, has no idea the way people talked 100 years ago. In any given scene, if one were to think of the most cliched, overdone thing that a character could possibly say in that given situation, I guarantee that The Legend of 1900 will blow your mind with its psychic abilities.

The film opens on a poor trumpet player in the street, talking in a voiceover about the past five years. He walks into a pawn shop, and immediately divulges far too much information about himself to the proprietor. He actually says "that's a piece of history right there, my horn. That horn is my life, mister." And THEN there's the pawn shop owner saying he'll give some low sum, and the trumpet player says "what?! this is real brass, mister. Like I said, it's my life. I can't just sell my life." and then he walks out, only to turn around and, with much effort, sell it. As he's walking out, a pained expression crosses his face and he says "just let me play it one more time!" And, of course, he is allowed to do so.

It's the first movie in a long time that I have legitimately stopped halfway through. Will and I just acted out the rest of the movie ourselves. Don't see this movie.

And now, having written all that, I suddenly remembered that I wanted to make either a reference to Jake Reeder in this post or ask him a question through it. I have no IDEA what that reference or question might have been, though. If anyone else would like to ask Jake Reeder anything, though, you can reach him by posting on the comments page. You don't even have to KNOW Jake Reeder to do it. Go ahead, you know you want to.

"Yeah man, we got one upstairs..." (Weekend Review)

I may have mentioned this before, but Peng, from the English Bar, has at least one of everything in the world. If he doesn't have something in sight, he either "has it upstairs" or is "getting that this Friday." The other night, Will and I went down there to study for our midterms. We ended up playing for five hours on two full sized basketball shooting machines (like the kind you'd see at a larger arcade). So I got a B+ on the midterm, but, as I told my teacher, I didn't try to cheat by cramming a lot of things I didn't REALLY know into my head the night before. What was on the test represented what I had truly absorbed from her teaching, and I was not trying to deceive her in any way. I was very proud of the spin.

FRIDAY NIGHT

We met up with two of Will's friends, (I will spell this incorrectly) Zhuang Ning and Tien Tien (literally translated "Sweet-sweet") and played more basketball. I'm proud to say that, on the righthand basketball machine at the English Study Bar in Beijing, China, I hold the high score of 122. (Take that, everyone who ever laughed at my athletic ability!)

Later we met up with some more people and went back to Pyro. One of the Chinese girls had a piece of paper and started drawing while we were at the table. Then she handed me this...

I'm on the right. You know, the cross between Wolverine and a Leprechaun.

Then the girl sitting next to her gave me this...

Apparently I have a big nose.
Earlier, Dannie looked at my driver's license picture and said "oh, you've gotten fatter."
I think it's a cultural thing. I love my Chinese friends.

Though not quite as good as the good times last weekend, good times were had by all. Before leaving the bar, Zhuang Ning invited Will and I to her birthday party on Saturday!


SATURDAY NIGHT

Zhuang called Will to tell him that we would be meeting at the English Bar at six and then going to dinner. We met and went to a restaurant called "The Secret Garden," which served Hunan dishes. I don't really know what characterizes a dish from that region, but whatever she ordered for us to spin around on the giant lazy susan was great.

As the dishes came around, we asked her and her friends what they were. Spicy beef, spicy chicken, shrimp (barbecued and eaten whole- the tail was especially delicious), and the best eggplant based dish I have ever eaten.

About halfway through the meal, a new dish came out.

We asked her what this dish was, and she said "oh, this very special. It is... ball of pig." Will and I looked nervously at each other. "Are you sure?" we said. She pulled out her pocket dictionary. The next few moments were tense. "Spare ribs" she finally said. Whew.

After dinner we went back to the English bar and played more basketball/ping-pong. Dannie's aunt made some delicious corn and rice-based sugary thing in a basket, and I had fun playing with an e-reader (it's like an electronic book that doesn't hurt your eyes) that someone was showing off.

Nifty.

SUNDAY NIGHT

I didn't have any homework, so I went with Will to the Bridge Cafe for an "American" breakfast. They did a very decent job, but it still tasted distinctly Chinese. I seriously have no idea how they do it. We stayed for a while and I read a few hundred pages in a book that Will is reading about an American who stayed behind in China after World War II and fought for Communism. Of course, after he fought for Communism, he was thrown in jail for sixteen years. It's not exactly a feel-good story.

We went to the English bar because Will was scheduled to teach for two hours and he asked me to tag-team it with him. Peng had, to our great, great, amazing surprise (sarcasm is difficult in print), purchased an enormous flat-screen TV that he put in the classroom, and he just wanted us to watch a movie with the class and stop it every ten minutes to explain difficult words. We were viewing possibly the worst movie that one could possibly use to teach modern English: Casablanca (I always forget whether to put movie titles in italics or quotation marks. Mary, you're an English teacher, right?)

Casablanca is an amazing movie! I had never seen it. However, it does have...

1. Accents: Every character in the film has an accent. Only of them is a neutral American accent. And he (Rick) only says two or three lines over and over again. No one in the class has a clue what anyone else is saying. Even if they did, though, they still have to contend with...

2. Antiquated phrases: the adult students are very quick to yell out phrases that they did not understand, with the expectation that you will define it for them as it is clearly an important English phrase (it's in Casablanca, after all). So we explained such things as "fishing smack," "cheerio," "gestapo," and "here's looking at you, kid." The consequences of such phrases will be felt by Americans at the English bar for weeks.

Next week I might suggest Star Wars and see how that goes over.